seeking loneliness

the brain tricks us into thinking about a perfect state of exsistance of a state of our being that we should be and the rest of our story is trying to match of up to the shadow. I am sick of it, the whole evolutionary thing is to break our silence to get us talking to get on top of each other, to ram into a crowd and be on top of everybody's head , the list of conformities go on and we are socially conditioned to treat every divergence from this a sin, a transgression to be repented and corrected . I will pardon myself for every "transgression" i do , that what u say as morality is a creation of this illusion that tells u that your weak hand is left and the strong hand right , might is right , i denounce it i reclaim my right of solitude and silence , i rejoice to be totally devoid of any human interaction and here are the ways of how i manage to find :- switching off phones, not knowing the local language of the city , going to unknown places and i dont want to form any bonds.

I dont want to box myself calling it a rebellion or something , i dont need words , i am comfortable in this way and that is the justification enuf

Still afternoon

There was this ripeness about that time ,might be just 15 years ago in calendar time in small town of Bengal where cable tv still did not rule conversations and internet et all were beyond the horizon of the place but that was a different era . There was a majestic mellowness in everything in how the sun moved from morning gold to the midday warmth all the way down to the champagne sobriety of the evening, the passage of the days of winter vacation, badminton with aunts in the evenings and the promise of new story books, for the boy there was a touch of magic in everything.
Mornings dawned slowly through the mysterious knit of the green and the mist of the giant old wood apple tree beyond the north window of the common bedroom and by the time golden rays of sun came playing through the east windows , the room was sweeped and cleaned its sanctity restored. The boy would be lazy to get up but there would voices chiding and harrying him . There will still be freshness in the air and dews glistening on blades of the grass when this king beheld his Xanadu once again with the delight. The old building winced under its cracks and age lines and promised the boy of another story of mystery at the deserted west room that afternoon. Grandma was calling for breakfast the boy ran , there was so much to do the hole he was digging beside the tall papaya tree in the garden off their ground floor room then there was the borrowed arabian nights book that has to be finished . He had to play priest and peep down the rabbit hole of religion. He had to create empires with bamboo stick bows and arrows .
The old house had many rooms abandoned and padlocked or just left to crumble and wither and each of them had a story to tell. When the denizens drooped to the siesta after the busy morning of the lively buzz, the silence only broken momentarily by the stirring pigeons,the boy loved to chase these mysteries in the stillness of the afternoon tiptoeing through unfrequented corridors over mounds of pigeon droppings .... the spell of the intoxicating silence could only be broken by the call of "raabdi malaai ..." , the smiling messiah , the lean old man with a big earthenware haandi on a rickety cycle would be there returning every year at the vacations . Or there would the ice candy man hawking his wares whatever the agent of delight it would always be peppered by the disagreement of a consenting benevolent grandma bestowing a bounty of five rupees for the ice creams and the warring aunt vehemently opposing the idea of ice cream.
The bike was drumming through the deserted highway on the still afternoon , the same stillness in a different era and age but a pair of eyes under the helmet has stopped digging holes in ground for magic . It could be so that living through life is like stringing on a necklace of pearls , pearls of experience and when that pearl falls into its place its time to move on to the next pearl never to return to the one already strung.

True happiness

What is that thing called absolute happiness , the state of Ananda , i have been dipped in it yet my being falls short in absorping it in its entirety .It is a kind of numbness of the heart that shuts off at the most profoundest of the moments , a sort of " fear of winning" or too much self conciousness. At the most intense of these moments which are profoundly personal , these questions do prick me and they have this objectivity to them almost bordering on to philosophy( or what i know it to be ). It is such a shame to have lost the capacity to giggle like a child without a care of the thing to be in with that , in that giggle totally, i cherish those moments from my childhood and i stand in awe for them who still retain that. If there is one thing i can get over it would be this daily quarrel with myself about myself , the failing and falling self , the self infected by the world. In this moment of truth , at this confession box i must say that it is very selfish.
I seek my Nirvana in the flow of the sacred river, the living rivers of faith , i believe they can touch you and cleanse your soul, i believe in the living diyas of faith to light up the darkness. Here's one question to which i seek answer to..... for all people who have watched the Hindi movie "Guide" or read the actual novel and remember that part about the protagonist released from jail is mistaken for a holy man and he keeps up the show and takes up a fast for the cause of innocent villagers who believe in all this and him but he has lost his faith. How much of that penance was dishonesty ?? because to start with he didnt believe in it , perhaps the nature of all penance is to metamorphose the one who takes it up, so may be a non believer may change to a believer in course of that penance but if he took it up knowing that it will change him is not there a deception in that or something mechanical in that.
Such is i think the very essence of all rituals any religion expects one to obey , some mechanical step to turn every practioner into a believer , change them so much that they invest their faith in what they are doing. Please enlighten me if you know what my dilemma is . A detailed post on religion is on order.

Loneliness must be heard

Back to blogging after a long time. The weekend before watched this movie "Lost in translation" , the movie was very eloquent on the theme of loneliness as accentuated by an alien language and culture barrier that you can not cross. So there you are long shot frames with a single character , a tiny speck in the face of vast emptiness in the background , very subtlely done . I especially liked a scene where the character of scarlett is in the huge swimming pool complex alone , the place was huge and the emptiness in the long shot seems to devour her.
Is Loneliness so bad ? I mean if i put myself into this film into any one of those characters how would i exactly feel ? I am in a new country a new culture , so much to see explore and being alone gives you that perfect perch to view this ebb and flow of this whole new world , to explore , the serenity to observe and absorp . This takes me back to 2007 August at Toronto, the walk from Casa Loma , spadina , Kensington market to Eaton's on a Sunday afternoon . The joy of discovering a haat at the heart of Toronto , the confluence of so many cultures , starting converstations with absolute strangers, eating off blueberries from somebody's backyard . I looked Loneliness in its eyes that day , it was a gaping hole of blackness in Earth, a deserted subway station, eerie and inviting like a sleeping monster.
At the end of the day i had a full heart but less than a perfect experience , i had sponged the loneliness of the empty streets. Loneliness eerie, mysterious , inviting was now steel cold heartless , can drown my wails and cries. As i warily walked towards my hotel room i cant say that i was unhappy with the experience but it was not perfect .... "How i wish you were here ..." ..... it is wonderful to be a child on mountain top during sunrise , but hapiness is to have somebody to scream with you and hear the echo. Signing off with recommendation for "Je t aime Paris"(I love you Paris) , there are two short stories on loneliness in that movie that expresses this idea the best way..... Au revoir !!

Happy New Year

Here's wishing a very happy 2009 to all . In a cliched coincidence was leafing through an old album on new year's eve . There were so many beautiful faces , happy caught in their smiles , a few of them gone forever . How I wish that the memories were not really gone , like a Ray Bradbury story the time is preserved on some planet , waiting for us to visit , to re-live ...... Let me save this string of nostalgia for some other day . 2008 has been the most important in my life , I just got down from the roller coaster and as i walk to my next ride i grapple with a lot to be put in place to make sense of it all. One thing i have learnt is the strength of small things in life , seems so obvious that we overlook but the most difficult ones in life like the love , faith , hope , courage in our everyday lives you master them and you have a life well lived. A perfect fairytale just dont happen to you it takes lots of sweat and blood to build it brick by brick.
One question i have unresolved in my mind is this and i am looking forward to getting others views on this is say we all have little demons inside us to tame , hence we regiment ourselves with ideals , disciplines trying to ignore the demon all the time and just hoping that the demon stays in its chains. We hear its howls but stand all the same that is how close individually we are close to the demon and as a civilization to the end of it all , but my question here is is not this regimentation which is seen as a sure sign of civilization and crowning glory of man just a mere act of denial and falsehood ?? Is not that vile ?? Hope to get some thoughts on this soon

Sunderbans - river, tiger and solitude - Part-2

Mornings are slow in the village, slow and beautiful , so standing under the old banyan tree by the side of the old mud road time seemed to stand still. It took jostling of the eager tourists and boats to shake off this dreamy ebb of time . The organisers scrambled for getting the permit , we disembarked and plunged into the crowd. This was the tourist office of Sajnekhali and a small nature park that it maintains. The complex seemed to be tucked on one corner of the island and the rest of it was forest , sunderbans forest for real complete with swamps, mangrove trees and the promise of wild life fenced away . There were crocodile ponds and an observation tower to peep into the eerie wonderland on the other side of the fence , the keepers said tigers could be spotted from there . This was the pattern which other stops on our way around , maintained by forest department , will follow an observation post in a cordoned off portion of the island.

With a lot of anticipation we finally started at around 11 that morning . The most significant thing that i felt was the anticipation , everyone on the boat prayed to spot a tiger in the wild , all eyes were trained at nearest banks through dense mangrove forests , a little adventurer was waking up in each one of us and i could jolly well feel it . The landscape around was impressive and getting more dramatic as the fleet of slow moving motorboats ventured deeper and deeper into the forest . The rivers branched , joined and rebranched a thousand times forming the criss -cross through the islands which were tidal , so when the waters swelled up most of what formed the island will be under water . The mangrove forest that grew there adapted to this condition and hence we have these huge trees standing right out of the river water . The rivers were generally very wide at its widest in "Panch - mukhi" where five big rivers meet , its a circular water world of several kilometers in radius , its like sea out there and from the middle of it one cant even see any bank , its just the water horizon or at best a haze on even a very bright day . Then there were creeks - small passages of water in between islands and their forest lined banks .

It was picture of solitude , absolute calmness. A vast river so wide that the other bank is veiled in mist , then you have slushy banks and a dense green line of forest starting from there. I imagined the silence that there will be standing there all alone , only gentle splashes of water or the mysterious sounds of forest to punctuate it. The vast emptiness of the water and the seeming undending forest articulated the anticipation of what secrets the forests hide or the depths of this river of which the King , the royal bengal tiger could only be one sparkle , one thread in the myth that this place spins each moment every moment. This was the solitude of a giant and i stood in awe . I imagined such silence and i longed to share it .

On my way back to reality the poker face of the boatman was my first stop , it was another day at office for Hari da as he sat stoically at the handle. A few notches below that spiritual deck was the more prosaic upper deck on which there was what seemed to be sudden frenzy people running, screaming, pointing to something excitedly in the forest . Camera lenses were trained and snaps were racing time .I too drew my camera and jumped right in the middle of the mayhem. Mom grabbed my hand pointed me to the direction and shouted me instructions like navy admiral straight ahead , ya to the right a little left ........ a flock of grazing deer have been spotted and the thrill of spotting animal in the wild albeit lowly deer was thick in the air. The holiday spirit was at its highest . This set the tone for the day and we sighted a big monitor lizard , some more herds of deer and wild boar. By 3 that afternoon we were on the observation tower of Netidhopani, the last stop of the day's sojourn. This place has the highest probability of tiger sightings the sighting record board showed that there has been 5 sightings in 3 days from 18th through 21st December which is indeed pretty high for a single place . Our folks were desperate it was now or never for the tiger sighting , a little ahead in front of the tower beyond the fences was a fresh water pond which was dug to draw animals to drink from it facilitate sightings on 3 sides of it there were straight wide patches of clearing extending about a kilometre into the forest, there ruins of a temple near the pond beyond the fence (this defies logic as why this is inaccessible the temple must of great historical significance as a temple ruin in middle of what now is a dense forest indicates that this place was not a forest always but evidently that is not well known part of history ) that is linked to a local mythology. Patience was ebbing away with light of the day , shadows of frustration getting longer, a silence was imposed and enforced in that gaggle of tourist for full 3 minutes and rumours were born , somebody in the crowd claimed of having spotted a tiger's tail in the patch of forest near ruins. Finally the gong was beaten time's up , pack up guys , let's go the final calls were made and everybody left with a little nagging discontement , only if .....

Light was fading away and by the time we reached Panch-mukhi it was an unbroken smear of slate grey on all sides except the west which had a stroke of red on it. It got more and more surreal as grey became black , skies lit up with the stars and dabs of yellowish electric light marked humanity in the horizon and we glided through those waters under star-light . Its no small miracle of how the boatmen steered the boat to the exact destination in pitch dark night without any modern aid its almost a mystical connection with the elements.

We returned the next day , it was a different route this time and had more villages and towns on the banks of the river this time and it was quite a different experience to observe how the lives in these remote, isolated places go on . River and boats are so much part of it and this is a different India turning at a different pace but turning nonetheless . One of the boat's 3 membered crew was this boy Gour Mondol and like all boys of his age he liked to dream and he shared one of his dreams with us , he wanted to make his boat better and big . He could not tell exactly how big it is gonna be because in his world big was not really big and he knew it is going to be bigger than that.

Sunderbans - river, tiger and solitude - Part-1

Frankly speaking, the prospect of this trip didn't excite me much , come on i was not really hoping to spot tiger in tourist hot spots where the silence of the jungle is shattered by roar of hundreds of motors of boats and tigers are not known to be that publicity hungry. What i was looking forward to were virgin vistas of deltas and river on bright winter days.
So there we were at 10 in morning gazing at the late morning traffic at the river off Nejat(some 25 km from Basirhat-my hometown that makes it like a 92 odd kms off kolkata) . The drive to Nejat was on 6-seater autorickshaw tossing and turning under a golden morning sun and some fresh green countryside parading either sides. The other men of the group followed us on the bike.
The group, the "us" in the story were 2 families with kids and their relatives a total of 10 heads. My mother's colleagues family were the organisers.
Hence here we were at the banks of the river at what happened to be local jetty withy ferries hawking for passengers . Our transport was a medium sized country motor boat with a lower level and a shamiana fitted upper deck . There was a small toilet at the rear and the a little space for cooking simmilarily there was deck portion in the front also culminating in a pointed nose or "head" of the boat, this was their place of worship. They meticulously kept it clean , washed it mornings and evenings and stuck incense stick on it forbade anybody to step on it . For these hard men on such bleak landscape of water , poverty that was their one point of providence hope. After a wait that looked like an eternity the boat was tied to the dock and people started getting busy loading stuff. There were curious and alien faces on the other side of my rock of aloofness. A few stiff intros and cold handshakes later i , chastised by that little inner voice went ahead to help the men get drinking water on 3 huge drums on boat .
Finally they lifted the anchors around 11:50 on that morning of 26th Dec 2008 and off we started on our voyage :) to sunderbans . Sunderbans were actually my backyard and it was a shame of me not been there . Provisions were packed , its going to be a kings banquet on board for next almost 2 days and then i was told that for your average middle/upper-middle class bengali families it was the normal stuff. What with muttons and lobster and country chicken and eggs and pulaos and all . Hats off to the 2 men who were travelling with the party for helping out on these household stuff and to my mom , aunt and the other 2 ladies it was but so natural for them to add a little magic and touch of mother to all that was cooked and that by the way meant a lot of work.
Under the bright sun and brighter laugter was a little shade of loneliness and a silent wish for someone who could not be there but who should have been .....
The previous night i was looking up the net for what was in store for us in the trip and so before long i began poking the organisers with queries about our itenary desperately trying to sound knowledgable about the geography at the same time and to my delight and surprise i discovered that they were also pretty much clueless. This is a rough sketch of what i gathered :- Sunderbans are the biggest delta region of the world which the forest that is sunderbans is on thousands of little islands and enmeshing them are networks of rivers as they all race to the sea(bay of bengal) - we are talking of a huge area more than 10,000 sq km of absolute wilderness , a normal trip of sunderbans include cruise through the rivers of a little portion of this big national park . There are villages dotting the edge of sunderbans but these are most cut off , economically bacward and challenging places to live . These places dont have electricity and no supply of fresh water
, tubewells cant be dug as the water that comes up is brackish. Our first stop and our stay for the 2 nights that we will be out on jungles will be in one of such places which was 5 hours journey from Nejat. This place is known as Pakhirala/Sajnekhali. This is the common entry point for all trips inside sunderbans, the place though without the basic amenities has come up as a tourist hub with lodges and hotels and a bustling market . Villagers also rent out rooms to augment the insufficient lodging capacity vis-a-vis the ever swelling hordes. Some tourists brave it out on the boat at the night if they dont land on anything. The boatmen normally do have tie ups with hotels/villagers so they can guide for accomodation. Mobile phones are a real boon to these poor people for their livelihoods, it is very heartening to see how technology is changing lives of people more here for better where they needed it the most . Another good thing all through this remote landscape except for the very interior areas of the jungle one got good network coverage. It really helps to be well-informed about room rates and be little polished on bargaining skills here as with other tourist spots mobbed up at tourist seasons this is wild west of local economy and if you are not watching ur back people will shave u off left , right and center. When we reached Pakhirala that evening by 5:30 there was a logjam of boats on the river stretch there , night sky on the river lit up with the lights of the boats and aromas of their cooking.
We got 2 rooms at village a longish walk away from the jetty and stomach this, no electricity except for CFL s burning dimly on what they said was powereed by solar panel , asbestos roof, mud floor , a big opening with a sheet of ploythene on it for window and December cold. To top it off was a dirty loo outside the house in the backyard and water to be fetched from a pond and all in pitch blackness of the night. These for 500 bucks a pop per nite, now that was some smart busniness. 2 rooms that we got were not enough for all of us so a few men had a boys nite out on the boat.
The next day starting at 9 will be our venture into the wild , but before we actually can go any further south we have to take permit for us from the forest office there . As Sunderbans is a national park and also this area is close to the international border with Bangladesh, forest department regulates the tourist traffic in the forest areas. The permit allows tourists only to travel till a certain point , it was the island of "Netadhopani" for us beyond that the boats are not allowed , the core area of sunderbans start from there and go to much beyond. Our route is going to be somewhat like this Sajnekhali-Sudanyakhali-Dobanki - Pancha mukhi (meeting point of five rivers) - Netadhopani and back to Sajnekhali for night halt. The day after morning we were coming back to Nejat from where we started.
Nights in villages are eerie as we clung to our spot the of light the mighty winter night stalked us with its mystery . There were silent wishes, hopes , prayers and chills in us for the lord of it all that we have come to meet -- The Royal Bengal Tiger - but little did we know that it will turn out this way ......(to be continued)