True happiness

What is that thing called absolute happiness , the state of Ananda , i have been dipped in it yet my being falls short in absorping it in its entirety .It is a kind of numbness of the heart that shuts off at the most profoundest of the moments , a sort of " fear of winning" or too much self conciousness. At the most intense of these moments which are profoundly personal , these questions do prick me and they have this objectivity to them almost bordering on to philosophy( or what i know it to be ). It is such a shame to have lost the capacity to giggle like a child without a care of the thing to be in with that , in that giggle totally, i cherish those moments from my childhood and i stand in awe for them who still retain that. If there is one thing i can get over it would be this daily quarrel with myself about myself , the failing and falling self , the self infected by the world. In this moment of truth , at this confession box i must say that it is very selfish.
I seek my Nirvana in the flow of the sacred river, the living rivers of faith , i believe they can touch you and cleanse your soul, i believe in the living diyas of faith to light up the darkness. Here's one question to which i seek answer to..... for all people who have watched the Hindi movie "Guide" or read the actual novel and remember that part about the protagonist released from jail is mistaken for a holy man and he keeps up the show and takes up a fast for the cause of innocent villagers who believe in all this and him but he has lost his faith. How much of that penance was dishonesty ?? because to start with he didnt believe in it , perhaps the nature of all penance is to metamorphose the one who takes it up, so may be a non believer may change to a believer in course of that penance but if he took it up knowing that it will change him is not there a deception in that or something mechanical in that.
Such is i think the very essence of all rituals any religion expects one to obey , some mechanical step to turn every practioner into a believer , change them so much that they invest their faith in what they are doing. Please enlighten me if you know what my dilemma is . A detailed post on religion is on order.